Back in God's Hands
by chrysalis escapist
Summary: Every life is so precious - Mac/Stella one-shot with glimpses of Sid, Hawkes, Adam/Kendall, Danny/Lindsay, Flack/Angell


**Disclaimer: the CSI:NY characters do not belong to me**

**For _talkstoangels77_  
**

A stab. A pang. She stumbles, doesn't know where it came from. Push or pull.

And first she feels nothing.

_His hands on her body._

Her hand. Feels something.

Raising it before her eyes. Something slips.

A drop of blood.

Her hand shoots down. _No, oh no._

_His hands on her body._

Her hands, pressing, trying to hold … but they can't hold. Can't hold on.

_Please no._

Life slips away.

_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry … so sorry._

And she falls

falls

falls

The ground beneath her.

It doesn't give way. Though she feels she's seeping through it. Like the blood through her hands.

_Her hands on his body._

_His hands on her body._

Seeping away into darkness.

She tears herself loose from the blood.

The life lost.

Surroundings blur in an unheard scream. Drifting away.

And she ghosts through the streets. Fades into the nothing of the ever flowing crowd.

-

Sid stands and stares at the body before him. His hands don't feel the cold of the metal they are resting on.

He doesn't want to feel it. The cold and the rigid.

Feels something drop. Salt hits metal.

The doors swing shut behind him.

Buildings and streets pass, as cold and grey as the metal. Indifferent.

The throng of people seems lifeless. Flowing past like a river of lost dreams.

His feet hitting the ground. Unheard.

Hawkes' pace sputters and stops. He looks around.

Where has he been?

What could he have done?

The thoughts flow on like the jumble of people around him.

The jumble someone is missing from.

Every life, every life he has lost is one too many.

And he rushes on, to find a familiar face.

Adam stands still, again.

Feeling so left behind, so lost.

Wait for them to find you. That's what they tell you to do when you're lost.

But he isn't lost, someone else is. And he's the one who should be looking.

But the tears blur his vision. His heartbeat blurs his hearing.

Footsteps dropping on concrete. His own. Feeling so much like an echo, of ones that won't walk these streets.

His hands in his pockets. One clutched around the charm he had meant to give.

Kendall jogs down another street.

No longer a member of the team, but still a member of the family.

A family hurt. Torn apart.

Falling apart. With someone missing.

Someone who held them together.

Even in this city. Lost in this city, amongst all those footsteps.

She looks up at someone she knows. And shakes her head.

Danny turns and trots on.

Glad of the encounter, but it was not the face he is looking for.

Clenched fists pumping him along.

A face hovering before his, driving him along.

Little steps in this big city. Little steps.

Hurrying along and along. But he can't escape his thoughts. _If… _

His cell remains in his hands. Not to lose contact with her too.

Lindsay has wrapped Lucy into a scarf. Her arms wrapped around her too.

Feeling a little heartbeat against her own. Like she had so often, so often while pregnant.

Felt for it, making sure it was still there.

This precious sign of a life that has stopped elsewhere.

Somewhere in this city she searches with tears brimming in her eyes.

Raining kisses on the head of her girl on every corner. And in between.

Looking up at every hope of recognition.

Flack strides on.

Relieved about every one of the team he sees, in between.

Because the chance of that, in this city, raises the hope, to find the one they are looking for.

Searching and searching and searching. For one life in this city.

One little life, lost.

He reaches out. To one he cannot see. But feels, in every one of his heartbeats.

Searing through him with the fear of losing another.

"I found her." Relief hurtling through her voice so fast she can hardly feel it.

It doesn't feel like it. It doesn't feel like she has found Stella. Those eyes aren't Stella's.

Angell is as fearless as Stella is strong.

But to see her friend like this, broken and falling apart … it scares her.

She holds her, holds on to Stella's body. Trying to hold her together. Wishing she could say it's okay.

Feeling like all she's holding is a hollow shell.

"_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."_

Rocking them, back and forth, the rhythm of a heartbeat. One still beating.

-

He looks down at her. She doesn't react to his calling her name. Doesn't feel him at her side.

He doesn't dare touch her. Feeling so much he has caused her this pain.

_I'm so sorry._

Darkness is only a heartbeat away. Threatening to swallow him. Her.

He can't let her go. He has to hold her, hold on to her.

She doesn't feel him touching her.

Her eyes are hollow. Her body rigid.

But he can't let go of her. Can't bear to lose her.

Lose her too.

And he touches her again. Enfolds her in his arms. Holds her.

holds her

_His hands on her body._

Her eyes so hollow. Burnt dry. Searing through him.

His tears caress her face. Whispering her name. Again and again and again.

Her eyes a whimper.

Her voice a wraith.

"I'm sorry.

I … tried, tried to hold on …

hold on to … I …" Every word pierces the air. Anguish shaking through her body.

"I know, I know, my love, I know. It's not your fault." He rocks her body. "It's not your fault, okay."

Rocking her, himself. Like he had thought he would their child. In his arms.

On and on and on. Her anguish shuddering against him.

Their tears mingle. Over their loss. The loss of their child.

Back and forth, rocking. Drifting, into a fitful sleep. Never letting go of her.

Never.

His hands, or hers. Never to touch.

His eyes, or hers. Never to see.

His lips, or hers. Never to smile.

Never forget. That little life between them.

Now back in God's hands.

Where all life is.

* * *

Sorry :(, I didn't mean for this to happen … but well, some things just do, and once it got into my head, I had to write it down …

And yeah, I know about Angell … just can't let go of her yet.


End file.
